FROM ONE NORTH CAROLINIAN, TO A-1'ERS (5/8/2012)

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PREFACE: I’ve already heard from people who insist this is an overly generalized & unfair indictment of all people who voted for Amendment One. These "More Enlightened A-1'ers" insist they aren’t anti-gay, but simply advocate freedom of religious expression. I think that idea, in itself, is of questionable logic, given the nature of Christianity (as far as I know, each person I've heard from has been a Christian). But I think it’s beyond assailable argument that, by voting in favor of Amendment One, you sided with thousands upon thousands of individuals who ARE openly anti-gay…thus, in the end, you are every bit as subject to the judgment below as they are.

"God damn you."

"God damn you all."

As a straight man born, raised and educated in North Carolina, the above is my reaction to those who voted in favor of Amendment One in 2012. And support HB-2 in 2016.

Because if anyone deserves the eternal wrath of a vengeful deity, it’s you. Every last one of you. Cut, copy and paste that amongst yourselves.

You see, as a non-politician, I'm not beholden to adhere to any good ol'-timey dog-whistling, in fear of alienating or dividing any potential electoral base. Which is to say, I can afford to speak the unfettered truth.

In other words I can call you out for being the ignorant, bigoted assholes you are.

At best, you’re pathologically delusional. At worst, you’re the most intolerant rabble of hypocrites this side of Mark Sanford and Newt Gingrich. No, excuse me – this side of Larry Craig, George Rekers and Ted Haggard.

Let’s throw all our cards on the table here. You voted for Amendment One because you don’t like gay people. Admit that much, and I’ll actually hold a modicum of respect for your candor. I still won’t like you, and you won’t like me. But I’ll appreciate your transparency.

But to those of you who’ll insist on hiding behind the façade of "religious freedom (to oppress and deprive)": contrary to whatever flimsy rationalization you cling to, you aren’t full of piety or morality.

You are, however, full of shit.

Now, I’m not denying that anti-gay sentiment exists in the bible. It definitely does. And as, ahh, “devout Christians,” I have no doubt every last Amendment One-er (or A-1’er, for brevity’s sake) can recite these passages by memory. For the record, the most obvious pick is Leviticus 18:22, which reads: Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is a detestable sin.

But – as A-1’ers must already know, being scrupulous scholars of scripture – there’s also strict instructions against eating pork BBQ and tossing the old pigskin around! (Thou shall not eat of their (pigs’) flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you. – Leviticus 11:8)

Not to mention rules against tattoos... (Do not cut your bodies for the dead, and do not mark your skin with tattoos. – Leviticus 19:28)

Or against the ladies wearing gold, pearls, or any kind of bling or racy apparel… (I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes. – 1 Timothy 2:9)

Or…last but not least…ladies uttering so much as a word in church! (The women must be silent in the assemblies: for they are not allowed to speak, but to be supportive, just as indeed the law states. – 1 Corinthians 14:34)

Plus, we’d be remiss not to recall that one of the Head Man’s 10 personal commandments is Thou Shall Not Kill. As in, no murder. Ever. And I hate to jump to conclusions, A-1’ers…but I think it’s safe to assume many of you support the death penalty. And the “Stand Your Ground” laws. And the use of our military to eliminate designated enemies. Et cetera.

(A ROAR OF OUTRAGE RISES UP FROM THE ASSEMBLED MASSES.)

Wait, wait, wait! Hold your horses! I can’t hear any of you over all this clamor and calamity! Take a deep breath, before you die of apoplexy…

…There. Much better. You, sir? What was that you were saying? Ah! That some scripture might be open for…how did you put it…a “less literal interpretation?” Or, was it a “more modern interpretation?”

You know what? I couldn’t agree more! So, by that very same logic, couldn’t we also reconsider how we interpret a passage that denounces homosexuality? A passage that also happens to categorically go against some of Christianity’s core principles? Namely, acceptance and tolerance amongst all walks of people?

“BY GOD, NO” you say? Why not? Didn’t you just acknowledge perhaps we shouldn’t take all the bible’s dictums at 100% face value?

…Hmmm. Okay, yes. I understand. You’re sick of bleeding-heart, elitist intellectual lib-tards telling you what to think. Fine. You’re entitled to your opinion.

Even if your opinion is rife with flawed logic…as well as piss-poorly concealed hatred for people whose lifestyle poses less of a threat to the “sacred institution of marriage” than NC State’s basketball team does to overtaking North Carolina and Duke’s number of National Championships in basketball…yes, you’re indeed entitled to it.

That’s part of what’s so special about America. And even more so, the state of North Carolina.

You might not know this, A-1’ers. But the Tar Heel State has historically been called “a vale of humility between two mountains of conceit.” Meaning, we’re known for being a humble, modest, non-polemical state, sandwiched between two others (South Carolina and Virginia) notorious for being the exact opposite.

Granted, we’re no angels. We’ve made our fair share of inexcusable gaffes (these being 2 of the worst in recent memory). But in terms of our overall voting and civil rights records, North Carolina is well-documented as being the most progressive Southern state. Don’t believe me? By all means, I encourage you to familiarize yourselves with our history, on your own time.

I have a feeling, however, that you won’t.

Anyhow, I’ve gone on long enough. But I’ll leave you with this food for thought, A-1’ers. As time goes on, each new generation is becoming more accepting of issues like gay marriage. Combine that with North Carolina’s (otherwise) progressive tendencies – and I fully expect our legislature to repeal this godforsaken law.

It won’t be tomorrow, or this year. But, as a 31-year-old, it will almost certainly be in my lifetime.

So savor your “victory” while it lasts, A-1’ers. For good measure, keep insisting Amendment One was meant to “protect the traditional family,” or to “preserve traditional American values,” or whatever “traditional” item you like. But in reality, only one thing triumphed today.

Your own goddamn stupidity.