THESE ARE NOT THE EMO BANDS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR (4/2009)

AFI

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRANSCRIPT of a (theoretical) conversation about a certain sub-genre of music.


MASTER: What comes to mind when you hear the term “emo music?”

GRASSHOPPER: Bands who sing happy, (expletive deleted)-ty songs about being depressed.

MASTER: Wrong.

GRASSHOPPER: Um, not wrong. What about My Chemical Romance? Panic! at the Disco? AFI?

MASTER: Nope.

GRASSHOPPER: OK, so enlighten me, o sage savant. Who plays emo music?

MASTER: Technically, there’s no such thing as emo music.

GRASSHOPPER: You’re full of (expletive deleted)! All those bands are emo.

MASTER: Funny you mention (expletive deleted). Gerald Way, My Chemical Romance’s singer, said “I think emo’s a pile of (expletive deleted).” And P! at the D’s frontman, Brendon Urie, proclaimed that “Emo is bull(expletive deleted).”

GRASSHOPPER: No (expletive deleted).

My Chemical Romance

MASTER: And Davey Havok, AFI’s vocalist, insists his band isn’t emo, either.

GRASSHOPPER: Davey Havok. Is that name a crock of (expletive deleted)?

MASTER: It’s not on his birth certificate, no.

GRASSHOPPER: Is he the guy with dark, feathered hair, with all the tats and eye makeup, whose dresses like he looted the Hot Topic store at the mall?

MASTER: Yes.

GRASSHOPPER: That’s what I thought. I’m not too big on his wife.

MASTER: I didn’t realize he was married. What’s wrong with his wife?

GRASSHOPPER: For starters, she got busted lip-syncing on SNL. And she sucked so bad at her Orange Bowl gig that the whole stadium booed.


MASTER: Actually—

GRASSHOPPER: And one night she staggered into a Mickie D’s, (expletive deleted)-faced, and wouldn’t give some guy her autograph because he wouldn’t make out with her feet.

MASTER: No, you’re thinking of—

GRASSHOPPER: I mean, what if she had corns? Or bunions? Or some kind of gnarly foot fungus—

MASTER: (Profound sigh.) Ashlee Simpson isn’t married to him.

GRASSHOPPER: Yeah she is. She even had his kid!

MASTER: No, no, no. She’s married to another guy with dark, feathered hair, a bunch of tats and eye makeup.

GRASSHOPPER: Ohhhh. I see.

MASTER: You know, Pete Wentz? Fall Out Boy’s bass player?

GRASSHOPPER: Hey—Fall Out Boy’s an emo band.

MASTER: Pete Wentz says they are.

GRASSHOPPER: Aha! But you said there was no such thing as an emo band!

MASTER: That’s right. Technically.

GRASSHOPPER: Technically, you’re full of (expletive deleted).

MASTER (shaking head): Did you not just acknowledge that Pete Wentz and Davey Havok both have penchants for tats and mascara? And dress like gothic hipsters?

GRASSHOPPER: Uh…yeah. I guess so.

MASTER: And aren’t they in bands who play similar music? And don’t both their bands look and sound like My Chemical Romance and Panic! At the Disco?

GRASSHOPPER: Yeah. So what does this have to do with—

MASTER: So if My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco and AFI say they’re not emo…but they sound and look a lot like Fall Out Boy…what does that tell you?

GRASSHOPPER (eyes alight, like a victorious slot machine): ...That if you dress emo and sound emo…but insist that emo is (expletive deleted)…insecure kids will buy a (expletive deleted)-load of your records!

MASTER (pats Grasshopper on head): Now you see.

GRASSHOPPER: And only Pete Wentz thinks it’s cool to call himself emo.

MASTER: True. But remember, he’s also married to Ashlee Simpson.

GRASSHOPPER: Touché.

MASTER: Which means he probably has to make out with her corns. Or bunions.

GRASSHOPPER: The horror. The horror.

MASTER: And...he has to listen to her music. Every day.

GRASSHOPPER: Wow. Now I’m officially depressed. Like, emo kid depressed.

MASTER: You’ll be fine. Just stay away from sharp objects. And your mom’s makeup.