Never blew off so much as one lecture. Even on Fridays, when Eau de Burnett’s Vodka radiated from my pores like carbon monoxide from a flimsy exhaust system.

No hangover would prevent me from learning sophisticated ways of categorizing my friends’ deviant behavior(s). And when one resides in a fraternity house, social aberrance is as much a fixture as are Pabst Blue Ribbon and Beast Light.

Take a college acquaintance of mine. We’ll call him Mortimer. Mort suffered from a chronic need to moon people. Especially young women within in a ten-foot radius of his scandalously hairy behind.

Unenlightened observers labeled Mort “gross” and “juvenile.” One uninformed bystander threatened to call PETA if Mort didn’t release the cat imprisoned between his hind cheeks.

Inaccurate reactions, all. Mort was, in fact, an exhibitionist. Paraphrasing from the DSM-V (the American Psychiatric Association’s bible of mental disorders), Mort got off on taking his pants off. In front of others.

Okay, okay, I’m exaggerating. Truth be told, Mort flaunting his hirsute caboose was just a lame cry for attention. And the more people told him things like “Dammit Mort, have you considered waxing?,” the more Mort was inclined to keep dropping trou.

Then one day, rather than feign the howls of torture victims, a few buddies and I shook our heads and said, “Mort, we’re worried you’re a pathological exhibitionist. You should seek professional help.” Now that got him to stop “Mortifying” people. At least, for an hour or two.

Needless to say, I had no trouble recalling what “Exhibitionism” was on my Ab Psyc exam. However, not every undergrad has access to real-life case studies like Mort.

But practically every college student does have is unfettered access to Facebook.

So Abnormal Psyc profs and students alike – when you reach the chapter on mental disorders, snap the textbook shut. Instead, consult the list below. It places some common psychological conditions in contexts 99.5% of today’s undergrads will understand. Immediately.

I’m not being the least bit flippant. Facebooks paint pictures of antisocial behavior with the grace of Michelangelo in the Sistine Chapel. Just follow what’s below, and I guarantee mental disorders will be more compelling and relevant that any of you ever imagined. And so it goes:


EXHIBITIONISM: Yes, even virtuous young women today wear Halloween costumes and swimsuits that might convince Madonna to espouse modesty. And it’s fine if said young women occasionally photo-document said outfits online.

But if a young lady has 100’s – some have 1000’s – of photos that flaunt thongs (or lack thereof), bare midriffs, reenactments of pole, table and lap dancing, or public displays of affection that would make veteran paparazzi cringe…well, you get the idea.

VOYUERISM: Guys, when the Foxy Facebook Friends referenced above plaster (nearly all of) themselves online, the urge to play cyber-peeping tom is natural. It’s like seeing a wreck on the side of the road. Your head, practically on its own accord, snaps toward the incident.

However, there’s looking – and there’s rubbernecking. And slamming on your brakes, just to get a better view, can have nasty repercussions.

Translation: probing every “pic” from Delta Delta Delta’s recent “Dirty Debutante Debauchery” mixer multiple times over, is a cry for much-needed help. For a number of things.

GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER (GAD): Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook’s founder, should legally change his name to Zeus. And not only because it would make his initials ZZ, a rare feat. Bear with me.

Per legend, Zeus – CEO of Greek Gods, Inc. – gave the first girl on earth, Pandora, a magic box. He warned her never to open it, but curiosity won out. So she popped the top...and like flatulence broken in a pressurized Coach cabin, mankind’s misery diffused into the world.

“Zeus” Zuckerberg can’t hurl lightning bolts (though he’s facilitated Facebook “Apps” that allow you to virtually scratch, bite, disembowel and all but sodomize your Friends). But by virtue of the “Status Update,” aka the box where one indicates “What’s on your mind?”, he grants people the power to spread their anxiety far and wide. On impulse.

The “Status Update” box is Pandora’s box, brought to life.

So when Susie constantly writes she is “OMG freaking out OMG,” Billy is often “STRESSED as HELL!!!! WTF?!?!?!” or Janie is frequently “SO SO SO over it, it’s SO not funny,” harken back to Pandora. Because when your chronically agitated Friends chronically hit “enter” – causing you to become agitated, chronically – it’s a myth come true. And a potentially fatal blow to your present employment.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD): Facebook is a great way to procrastinate from all forms of “work.” Homework. Housework. Needlework. Anything more productive than Poking or Tagging people for hours.

It’s healthy if Facebook distracts you from your obligations as a functional human being.

It’s not healthy if your obligations as a functional human being distract you from using Facebook.

So if you know someone who can’t go for more than fifteen minutes without having to re-read their BFF’s 25 Things About Me, check their Ex-B/F’s Relationship Status or read Courtney’s newest Note, in which she vows for the upteenth never to hook up with Tucker (or Maddox) (or Chadwick) again, seek help for them.

Or at least teach them to hit Command+H really fast. Teachers tend to frown on in-class Facebook use.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER (NPD): “'What's on my mind?' Of course you'd like to know. It just so happens I'm wordsmithing a kick-ass column in which I prove I can teach Abnormal Psychology more eruditely than tenured (let alone untenured) professors. Just by using Facebook! The faculty at some school – entirely of my choosing – ought to endow me with an honorary doctorate. And put me in for a Genius Grant, while they're at it. (Hear that, MacArthur Fellows?) And at no point should anyone wonder why I insist on extolling my brilliance in such a grandiose, conspicuous fashion. For I am merely a humble, virtuoso-purveyor of letters."